When asked to write about my ‘coming out story’ shortly after taking up the position of PVC at Swansea University eight years ago, my immediate response was to ask ‘which one?’ I have perhaps been lucky, I never needed a big coming out event. Being gay is something I have always taken for granted and accepted as being part of me. My parents never had any serious problems with it, and, while I did have a long conversation with Mum, my Dad simply adjusted to the fact that ‘Martin has a boyfriend’ and that was fine. I have never in that sense deliberately ‘come out’ and yet I have found, over the years, that coming out is a continual process, something that has to happen in some shape or form every time I meet new people and want to them to understand who I am and to accept me for who I am.
This struck me particularly when I took up my role as Pro-Vice Chancellor at Swansea University. Before moving to Swansea I had been working in the University of Birmingham for over twenty years and most people who bothered to take an interest in these things knew that I was gay and had a partner. I taught on a module on ‘feminist, black and gay theologies’ for a number of years within the Department of Theology and Religion. Gay and lesbian students felt comfortable approaching me to discuss issues relating to sexuality, whether personal or theological and I appreciated their trust and openness. I mentored a number of gay or lesbian staff and students as part of formal LGBT+ mentoring schemes, and my partner was well known to immediate colleagues.
Being gay, therefore, was something that played no significant role as I increasingly took on management roles and moved up the University structure. I do remember, however, the mild look of surprise on the Vice Chancellor’s face when, having been appointed to a senior leadership position, I introduced my partner to him at an event organised for senior management to which my ‘wife’ was included on the invite (the University did not make that mistake twice!).
Having taken up my new role at Swansea, however, I was, perhaps for the first time, in a position where I have had to make a deliberate decision about when to ‘come out’ and how to do this. My standard response has always been to treat being gay as perfectly normal and to wait for conversations to reveal that normalcy. Many people asked me ‘have you got a family?’ The answer is ‘yes, David, my partner, two dogs, however many tortoises and a couple of chickens’. Others ask ‘are you moving to Swansea?’ and I have to say that it is unlikely in the short term as ‘my partner runs a business that would be very difficult to move across the country’.
Very occasionally somebody apologised as if they have trodden on delicate ground, but for the vast majority the conversation simply continues, discussing the particular breed of dogs (otterhounds if you are interested) or specific issues around the antiquarian book trade. It is not a ‘big deal’ but I was perhaps more conscious of it on that occasion simply because of the very large number of new people that I met over the my first six months in post. ‘Coming out’, in that sense, never really stops, and now I have left Swansea and I am moving into new engagements and activities I can begin to see the situation emerge again. The only difference now is that I do tend to take the initiative. I make it clear that I am gay, have a longstanding partner, and this is part of who I am even before I am asked.
I do have to say, however, that the openness and welcome that I received in Swansea all those years ago made that process so much more pleasurable and reassuring. The support, and perhaps even the lack of any special interest or recognition that I was any different, has also been very significant. A university is, perhaps, a particularly positive place to be ‘out’, but I am also finding that in many other contexts being gay is not a big thing. Other people are less likely to make assumptions, and, as I said at the start of this blog, I know that I have been very lucky in this, and I remain very grateful.
Martin Stringer Quartet 